just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
