if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
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It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
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He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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