I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
