I wish I could punch you in the face.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
