Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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