Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
