i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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