what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
