Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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