dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
