how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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