FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
