Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
