so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
