I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
