If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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