i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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