I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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