i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
