it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
