my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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