so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dignity is for republicans.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Randomize
