i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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