Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Couch. On fire.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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