I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You ruined the universe
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
