Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
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