I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
