Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
