If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
