I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
whose parrot is this?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
