You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
