Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
