i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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