fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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