It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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