i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
