she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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