broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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