You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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