If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
