i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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