Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
