I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
