Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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