her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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