Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
