Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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