I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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