chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
