Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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