remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
