I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
