my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The air taste purple.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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