I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
