Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
