i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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