This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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