You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
