Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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